How did I land in this “womb work”?
Warning : Trigger pregnancy loss
I actually received the knock on my souls door early 2018. I was like what? You want ME to do Womb healing and work. Pffft (this is the conversation I’m having my with innerguidance / higher knowing). Again and again I received this knowing that I brushed off as “what do I know” and “I’m not qualified in this”. I put it aside -although the message wasn’t far from my heart – my mind was calling the shots, questioning my worthiness.
In this picture I was pregnant with a surprise baby who wasn’t meant to come earthside, Oct 2018.
Surprise because I hadn’t yet cycled since being pregnant with Luna, and the fact I was still breastfeeding- the odds were low at conceiving, and we were “semi careful” and not super active anyways.
Despite those odds, I knew straight away I felt pregnant. I felt the shift in the atmosphere of my being and reality. I sensed it in the energy. After 3 negative tests, a trip to the doctor who also said negative, one night feeling extra sensitive and yet another test, I finally received a positive confirmation of what my inner guidance already knew. I didn’t know my dates at all due to the lack of moon cycle, but I knew my body, felt, well – pregnant.
Although unplanned, the news was welcomed with an open heart (after I initially threw the positive test into Lee’s face with a look that said “this is why I’ve been tired and cranky AF” – not as graceful or timid as my announcement with Luna ).
In a mere couple of weeks I felt a strange inner knowing again. Off I took myself to the doctor who said it was gas and to go home. Within a couple of hours I was in bed with Luna in pain radiating down my back and legs, a sickening feeling in my stomach and a heaviness in my heart. Something wasn’t right. I called Lee and asked if he would come to the women’s hospital with me. I had a shower before we left, crying in there because I knew something just wasn’t right. After hours in emergency being tested and asked a whole host of questions, I was prepped for surgery and told they needed greater confirmation in the morning by a scan from a specialist. I held hope. The morning confirmed the whispered fears – an ectopic pregnancy. I saw on the screen where the baby was, and I knew before they said anything. By the time I had surgery the pregnancy had erupted, I’d lost close to a litre of blood and my left Fallopian tube.
Coming out of hospital was a mixture of numbness and pain. Strength and gratitude for the child I did have, wanting and needing me, unsure why her mummy was acting flat. An undefinable sense of loss which was greater than a loss of pregnancy alone filled my heart. The loss of a part of my womb, the loss of a future which I had already starting imagining and a baby I had already known through love. The loss of what could have been, that magic future had been taken away, my body shoved into a new reality although my heart and mind where still reeling.
The hospital staff were beautiful, but all the support I was given for post care was “you’ll be fine to conceive in a month”. I was stunned. I was deeply not ready for even considering another pregnancy, let alone trying. There was an emotional, spiritual hole in my heart (and femininity) that I needed to connect to, acknowledge, release, honour and heal.
I called upon the practices I knew and was intuitively guide to. It was messy. I felt out of control often, and Lee and I fought a lot. I felt alone, misunderstood and let down, as angry. I felt like I needed to “be over it quicker” – comments like “you can have another” piercing my heart further. My moods and hormones didn’t feel stable and I was experiencing post pregnancy symptoms like hair loss. Messy, raw and wild is how I felt within my own body. I felt I didn’t know her.
I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t feel safe to turn to anyone. So I kept going within myself.
I made a womb healing annoitment for my scars which I knew would sooth me energetically. I committed to morning yin for my womb before I left bed. I listened to feminine healing music, meditation and guided my own. I went to nature and made a ritual. I asked my higher guides for healing. I supported my hormones, and got to really fucking know my cycle. I obsessively researched hormones and womb. I tuned to close friends who had been through similar. I started to act with honour and reverence to my womb, femininity and body, anchoring in the deep faith that my body, as does yours, knows how to heal, how to thrive. I shared my story. Without shame. Words healing me, and opening up a safe and sacred dialogue for women, for something that has been hushed and pushed aside. Looked over.
I received the divine pure love I had been gifted through my child, Luna. Her heart expansiveness anchored me and healed me. Felt healing radiating through her to me. It it through her I saw the divinity of my body again, my grace. The body that carried her for 9 months, and breastfeed for almost 2 now. Looking at her perfect being with honour, she mirrored to me what I needed to know.
I found, and felt, gratitude in dark times, when previously I couldn’t fully feel it in the light. Everything had cracked open. Everything had changed.
I had piercing pain when I cycled for months. Huge clotting and blood like an angry Kali was clearing out. She took me bed bound every month for my days 1-2. I knew my body was expressing pain which had been previously denied expression. I did not seek to rush her. I stayed with her, knowing this was her speaking to me.
I kept showing up. Kept weaving intuitive practices into my days and life. Starting planning my whole life around my cycle, and blessed her every month, even when she showed up as Kali. I welcomed Kali as much as Shakti. More than once in those early months I surrendered, connected to my womb through intention and welcomed my moon bleed which had not yet arrived – only to start bleeding within minutes of finishing the ritual. I anchored in trust, choose to release the fear. Choose to love my body rather than forsake her.
Then something shifted. My cycle suddenly stopped being filled with pain. What was a roar had become a meow. I noticed, like fucking magic, I ovulated exactly with the full moon, and bleed on the new. I had women opening up to me about their journeys and secrets they held within their womb, and early pregnancies -an immense, deep deep honour. My hips felt juicer, and more open then ever. Creativity began to flow effortlessly. Finally, libido returned with a new heightened sensitisation, reminiscent of my younger, carefree years. I had become more, me.
I was called, so fucking strongly, into feminine embodiment. the divine feminine guided me here. I said YES before I understood fully what it was.
Feminine embodiment became, the sacred container to channel the lessons and wisdom which are anchored through my being from experience and inner knowing. I’m now a master of that qualification I was seeking on womb healing…. I smile a the irony of getting what you ask for.
This month (June 2019) I would have been due to give birth to the babe that wasn’t meant to come earthside (yet). But in that time I’ve given birth to something else. This. The birth of channel of my purpose and alignment on this planet right now for women. The push to step forward with courage and fierce grace.
And that baby, the one who wasn’t meant to come earthside yet, has given me so much.
This is how I got into womb healing
This is why feminine embodiment
This is why there are only lessons and blessings
This is why I share this x
And, I know that baby is not far away from me. I feel them, this time I don’t seek to question that inner knowing, but trust the magic in the unseen and the divine timing of my life.
It would be an honour to journey into your womb together.
My Womb centred offerings
Written on winter solstice 2019.